What is Jesus showing me lately? I think that was the question. I think a deep lack of humility is a major hammerpoint that the Lord has brought again and again to my attention. How much do I compare myself to others? How weary I become of loving people, because the reward for this sacrifice does not quickly come to me. Absolutely amazing how I can so rapidly move from a place of thinking the Lord owes me nothing at all; the Lord is so good to me; His mercy is unreasonably abundant, and then so quickly (within a day or two even) become demanding and judgmental of heaven and how it has not nicely matched its gifts and pleasantries to a soul like me that has been such a devoted servant. How in the world can just a day or two separate my assessments of myself as wide an ocean of disparities as to see myself as the wretch of all wretches and then be able to count myself a worthy servant deserving more than what heaven has yet provided. Surely the voice of Satan rings too often in my ears!

Another idea I have thought a lot about, thanks in large part to Charles Williams, Leanne Payne, Fyodor Dostoevsky, is that I am a creature on fast-track towards hellishness--if not hell itself--whenever I am steering my own ship towards the desires and fantasies and lustings and cravings of my own inappeasable soul (inappeasable unless God becomes the sole provider). Everyone should read a Dostoyevski book to see how dark the soul can get. Of course our own personal lives may already have painted this portrait for us. The conclusion of many is that selfishness, taken to its raving, ravaging, logical conclusion, is hell itself. Not that this is any attempt at all to water down hell (something we would all likely try to do), but that it is a very real part of what hell is--no less horrible than a lake of fire, as real as that may be.

That's it for now. I have to get back to work